Dear Mamang,
I heard the news that you died yesterday. It was heartbreaking because I wasn't there, and I know you were more than hurt leaving Papang alone in our big house. You are 67 years old and healthy, never in my thought that you will die as early as this time. It is funny to think that way because your older sisters are still alive and can still throw funny stories. I am so sorry for not being with you until your last breath. I should have been taking care of you in the hospital on that day. The last time we spoke, it was your birthday, December 12. You said things that are unusual, you told me I have to take ph.d., you told me to save money for myself, you told me you were alright, you told me you miss me so much and you told me you love me. Did I say I love you back? I don't think so. Do you remember the time i was mad at you because you called me your 'little boy' while i was in college? My friends read your message, that was funny because i threw my phone after that. Do you remember the time you said I only care about my allowance because I only called you on the phone if i was running out of money? Yes, that was true, but even I didn't call you every minute, I always went home because I miss sleeping in your bed in between you and Papang. Do you remember the last time we talked and you were so proud of me because i told you I do pray now? Yes, that was partly true, because there are times I don't pray. But, I sensed your exitement and contentment when i told you i am living with good people in America. An hour ago, I talked with Papang, i was crying and at the same time asking many questions about your death. He was crying too, and he gave the phone to Kaka Neneng, then to Ate Meda, and all of them told me to be strong. I am strong, Mang. But, I still can't help myself, I don't know what to do, I will be back home soon after my studies. Yesterday, I asked my friends, why you died unexpectedly and why now? Because I am going back home in 4 months. I have so many stories to share with you, about my first snow experience, about my good friends and housemates, about my travel in New York, Boston and other places that you love to hear. You will be very proud of me because at least I can cook rice now, and I will help you decorate our empty white house. Mang, I am still your little boy. I hope you are doing fine in the hands of our Lord. Please take good care of me even you are not around. I hope i can see you in my dreams every night, I love you, Mang.
Your little boy,
Kadu
