My Cathy's Portrait
By Genamus
I was yelling and calling my best friend Cathy to help me out from that room. Bad acting, but it was real. The feeling of being alone padlocked in a dark room was insane
; and attacked by a tornado-like, which incredibly twisted my body. I became a beautiful portrait torn into pieces. I thought of that as an experience of Don Quixote’s innovative wild imagination. Fiction, but I felt it.
Forty minutes ago, I saw the dying tree outside of my room, and it became artistically beautiful.
I felt scared when the resident green-eyed lizard maliciously stared at Cathy’s framed portrait which I hand-painted for her coming birthday. I covered the portrait with my smelly sheet and gave the lizard a bad finger sign.
Little did I know, I was holding the bulky portrait and uncomfortably sitting, answering queries from ugly policemen.
When Cathy’s naked body was found floating in the river, I wanted to jump off the river with a gun in my head and accompany her forever.
God created that river to guide me. I started having a relationship with that river at age 7. It was my personal angel.
Cathy found me weird then; but a year after, she also started asking wishes and throwing stones like a magical coins. We even created a ritual dance step after wishing, and a general salute before leaving.
The night before, Cathy had a confession. She was secretly having an affair with her stepfather. That was her last story. I threw stones one by one wishing Cathy would forgive me, and did my ritual. I left her and the river a grand salute.
I stood up, hands in my side pockets. I got a twig in my head and started talking almost like a devilish Luther giving orders to behead a hero. When I was about to command ‘
Die!’, the air struck back and lifted me in the air. I stood up and continued yelling Cathy’s name. I saw my best friend’s blank face, beautiful as she was even without emotion. I intensely hugged her. The air became more horrible.
Comments (20)
Thanks for your invitation to read your short story. Also, thank your for your visit to my site and the kind words.
I need to let you know in sharing thoughts about your short story at your invitation, I have some short comings.
I never did and never have read any fiction, with the exception of a few I was required to read a school. I am not an enthusiast of fiction. That is my weakness--not yours or the millions that love it. I also do not like horror movies. While I am 75, the scare me. Again, that is my weakness, and I know that millions of people like that. Finally, and this is my problem, not yours or others, but I do not enjoy seeing too graphic of violence or mistreatment, particularly of women. That is just me and does make me right, superior or hopefully judgmental of others.
Your story: You show a lot of imagination in your writing. You use strong action words that are blunt. Words are well used to stimulate the reader. The story seems dream or fantasy like in its flow. It is nicely kind of surreal. It leaves the reader interested in where the the story is leading. I think you did a nice job.
I only have one suggestion, and I may not be necessarily correct. I think I would have liked to see more development of the characters themselves. The characters were described in action words mostly. You did share a little about them, but I would have liked more.
Nice job. Thanks again for the invitation.
You might enjoy the writing of 'TheBillion' in xanga. She is a college student and writes a great deal in 'fantasy' themes. She cold be under The_Billion, but I think it is TheBillion.
My dear wife is enjoying a nice vacation with our single daughter.
blessings
frank
The stepfather seems like the likeliest suspect, so far.
haha wow long time no talk! good to hear from u :)
nice... hmmm.... why'd the air become more horrible... ewww... i can only imagine...
sana hinabaan mo pa! :)
You've got a great writing style. Is that what you will be studying in the fall?
Honestly? Dude, I like your writing style. I write short stories here and there too but I think I'm still not good at it. I'm aiming for a novel though, lol. Long shot.
Anyway, I think the writer was the one who killed Cathy. Not sure though, it's just that, the way the words were being written, it was as if the writer was hiding something or guilty of something. Not entirely sure though, lol.
Gah, just tell me who did it! lol
Onga pala. Lain ata imong naingnan na basahun ning short story. Ako man ang naga skwela sa UPLB, hehe. Nakit.an nako nagcomment ka sa isa ka Xangan, tapos gikamusta nimo siya sa UPLB. Nabaliktad ata mi nimo, hehe :D
Pwede cguro n yung nagsulat is also the stepfather? pero nagdudunung-dunungan lang ako hehe.. ang galing bro.. mejo nakakadik nga xa basahin.. gusto ko yung style ng pagsulat although merong mga sentences na parang bitin pero dko alam kung sadya ba yun..
sulat ka pa! sulat ka pa! hehe.. prang welga lang no? :p
I found the story intriguing. I would suggest that you focus in on a scene or two and build them up. This would be a great way to improve your writing. Keep the motif of air, I liked that and it seemed to hold the piece together a bit. But definitely, give us more by zooming in on some or all of the scenes so that we readers have a better understanding of what is going on.
Oh, and look for my email. I'm sending you an entertaining little piece of near-future, borrowed-format fiction called "The Serial Killer Epidemic." It has been sent out the magazines but no word of acceptance has been given yet.
Pretty nice story. Develop it more and I think you might have a novel.
Looks like it falls under flash fic. The tale has a really rich plot. However, I think it would need more tweaking and rewriting (as with everything we write). Since in flash fiction every sentence and every word should be precise and clear (even if your objective is to go for allusion), you could go back and improve your exposition. It was a bit disorienting at first. Perhaps because you lack transition of scenes and elements.
I like this sentence best "I threw stones one by one wishing Cathy to forgive me, and did my ritual. I left her and the river a grand salute." It gives away the answer nicely. I don't think you need to make the story shorter. You just need to make the writer grander. Keep it short and sweet.
I like surreal stories. A little of Kafka and Haruki Murakami in that little tale of yours. Keep writing! :)
You killed Cathy. Brilliant!
@twoberry - hahaha no sir.
thankyou for your comment but i'm afraid to say that the photography isn't mine they're just my collection. i find photograpy that inspires me and i post it to hope that it might also inspire someone else. but thankyou for being interested in my site!
@dessa_pinkangel - tama ka. ahahaha
@lakwacherangpilipina - dili mao. hahahaha ang writer ug ang stepfather kay separate entity na sila. ang writer ang nagpatay, ako ang killer! hahahaha
@James - dude its a flash fiction.
ryc: genamus dude... wag mo naman i suffocate si gma... baka magbuburst ang nunal at magspread ng virus sa whole world... mag create ng pandemic... little gma's ewww....
wow......too hard for me to understand...make it as simple as possible...anyway no doubt a well written story =p
@genamus - sabi ko na nga ba may tendencies ka ring maging bayolente ah.. ahahaha.. cge bai, mas mabuti pang sa pagsulat m nlng ilabas yang inner evil na yan.. haha